Finding Home
Welcome. I am so freaking proud and excited about this work that I'm putting out in the world. Don't we need more people, especially women, to stand up and say loudly “I am proud of myself!” Let me tell you, it feels warm and cozy to sit with contentment about putting myself out there.
As a licensed psychotherapist, I am gifted with the opportunity to hold the space for others to awaken, connect, and integrate their own healing. I get to bear witness to the journey that others are on, which is in true alignment with my own path. I want to share with you how I started this path and give you a glimpse into my own awakening journey. Keep reading to peak into the path of my soul’s calling.
I did not always know what I wanted to do. It seems that some people are born with a calling in their heart while I always felt lost. I was secretly jealous of the people who seemed to just know. Did you ever feel like you had to pick a suitable career just to appease all of those adults asking you what you want to do with your life? When you think about it, that's a heavy question and one we feel obligated and compelled to answer. And if we don't answer, we feel ashamed, like we're doing something wrong because we should know.
I did not know, so I majored in psychology in college because it sounded interesting but I had no clue what I would do with that degree. News flash-there isn't much opportunity with a Bachelor's degree in psychology. What could I do? I knew high education must have the answer. I moved from Colorado, where I had lived for the past 6 years (FYI not home), and jumped into a master's program in sunny L.A (definitely not home) because I thought it was what I should do (that should word has played a huge role in my life).
Well that program, and my life at that time, was not vibing with my inner Self. Once again I felt lost. I was living in California (once again, definitely not home), feeding my co-dependency delicacies when I finally stopped shoulding on myself. After a year of graduate school and screaming on the inside from all the pressure I gave in. You probably know what I'm talking about- the parental, critical voice saying “you have to have a stable career.” “You need to make money.” “You should do what's going to make you more money.” “money money money” This was not my truth. So I did what any respectable young woman would do.
I don't remember the exact moment it happened, but I was not vibing with the politics of my school counseling program nor was my heart dancing with continued family pressure and co-dependency up the wazoo. So I ran away. At 22 years old, I did the scariest and most courageous thing I had dared. I ran away to another country. I left the master's program that was in total misalignment with my heart. I left the critical, unhealthy, co-dependent, energy-sucking relationships in my life and moved to Ireland.
Ireland was my dream. My mothership was calling me home. The beauty of running away to the Emerald Isle paved way for my true Self to begin to shine. I was going to be an expat! (Or so I expected). This venture taught me so many valuable lessons. Living in another country was the opportunity I needed to truly realize that while I tried running away from my problems, you guessed it, they followed me. I was bombarded with pressure from energy sucking vampires thousands of miles away and never truly relaxed. All of this and I was still stressed to the max. Why couldn't I just breathe and and enjoy this adventure? The truth is I wasn't quite ready. I needed to experience more. More pain, more fear, more uncertainty.
After less than a year I grew homesick and returned to the States. Back to the cornfields of Indiana where I was raised. This place that I once knew felt strange and foreign. It felt more foreign than Ireland. How could this not be home? Agh I was continuing to scream, only i realized the scream was not critical, it was desperate. I knew I needed another change! I researched where I wanted to live and felt drawn to the mountains of Montana. Ok, let's be real for a sec. I sat in my room, watching Legends of the Fall, and thought: I will go find my mountain man in Montana, thanks for the inspiration Brad. (I actually sorta did find my mountain man but that's another story).
Montana was beautiful, but still did not feel like home. I always had itchy feet. We moved around a lot when I was younger, I went to 3 different high schools, so the road called me because it was familiar, though not what I needed. The road offered me escape. Would I never settle down? Honestly, this didn't feel like a problem until I actually did meet my future husband, who desired nothing more than grounded stability. Haha what?! This was so foreign to me. So I began researching graduate programs and took a mental health job to at least feel like I was not wasting those 4 years of undergrad work.
At this new job, I became inspired to go further. Inspired by watching and learning from others in the field. I'm going to be honest, I wasn't inspired in the way you would assume, rather I had the thought (many thoughts) that “I would do that differently.” “I don't agree with this. Or that.” I didn't like what I saw and felt compelled, nay, called to try for my masters one more time.
And I did. When I graduated (after 3 of the most restless and sleepless years of my life-fyi that's saying something because I now have a baby) and met with my first “client” I found what I had always been searching for. I was home. Location no longer mattered, all that mattered was feeding my souls desire to help. To hold the space for others. To guide others to find their home. This was what mattered. I had found something I was never taught to search for. I found home in my purpose.
Home. It looks different for everyone, but for me, home is honoring my true Self. Trusting in the clumsiness of trial and error. Welcoming surprising inspiration and effort. Sitting with that very first “client,” allowing mySelf to just be. I no longer had to be consumed with doing. I was free to be. I was home.
Now I am called to share more. It's so risky to put myself out there, but I welcome the risk with open arms because after all, growth does NOT happen within your comfort zone. So I am continuing to come home to my Self. What a beautiful, Divine, never-ending journey. To home.